Red Light

I stopped at a red light today and looked over at the man in the truck next to me. He was handsome, really handsome. He had on a white starched shirt and the sleeves were slightly rolled up on his tan arms. He had his left arm casually resting over the top of the steering wheel....you know, draped kinda cool like. I couldn't see his jeans but I'm sure they were a perfect fit. The window wasn't down but I believe he smelled like Calvin Klein. I couldn't hear his radio but I imagined it was playing Bruno Mars "When I was Your Man".
I'm aware of my 60 years, my tired eyes and the diminished love in my heart. But every once in a while its like a cool autumn breeze blows over the low burning embers in my spirit and makes them glow a bit brighter..... until the breeze dies down and the glow dims again.

 

Didn't I spend all my days taking sweet care of you?
Didn't you know that there was nothing in life that I would rather do?

Do you know that not a day ever passed that you didn't say "I love you."
Didn't I hold you're face in my hands and say "I love you too"

Didn't I stand by you when trials came our way? And didn't I always tell you everything would be ok?

Didn't we have such fun doing some simple thing? Didn't we make pretty music whenever we would sing?

So many times we held hands and with our hearts we would pray? Do you know I prayed a thousand more when you walked away? Do you know that I stopped living on that very day?

Stillness of Heart

photo by COHolley

 

Having a calm heart is not easy but stillness of the heart is necessary to acquire peace of mind and peace of body and soul. Think of things that are beautiful and kind, lovely and precious,think of goodness and light. thinking of these things is healing to your soul. The more you open the door to the lovely the more the rooms of your heart will be filled with goodness and grace. Be Still....Be Still...Be Still.....two words that will always bring you to a Holy place.

Secret Admirer

photo by COHolley

I have had a romantic heart since I was a little girl.
I always got excited about Valentines day.
Each year I had strong faith that I was going to receive a beautiful heart shaped box of candy.
I didn't know anyone that would give me the cherished heart shaped candy box but I imagined it would say "secret admirer". My first memory of having this hopeful heart was in the sixth grade. When the time came to pass out our Valentines to all our class mates my anticipation grew.
There was a pretty blonde haired girl in my class and her desk was stacked high with boxes of candy. My secret admirer was not to be.
But I never gave up hope. I had this same excitement about Valentines day into my late twenties when I received my first heart shaped box from my husband ..and I'm not so sure he would have bought it for me if I wouldn't have humbly said a few days before Valentines " I've never gotten a box of chocolates for Valentines day" It didn't feel like I thought it would. I suppose my subtleties had spoiled the event.
It was sometime in my late 30's that I became jaded about this day of celebrating love. I was single, no love in sight, and I scoffed that it was a day set up by the retailers to make money and I wasn't going to participate.
But now, with life's losses and gains I'd have to say that the two greatest things a person can carry in their heart is love and thanksgiving the greatest of these being love. Thanksgiving day and Valentines day abide in the same place in my heart. They are perfect companions and nurture my soul. The romantic hope of a heart shaped box has been replaced by memories of love lost and gained and both with their own life lessons. The anticipation has been calmed to an acceptance of the joy that is evident.
But, just in case, I should stay home today. You never know when something might be deliverd, labeled " from your secret admirer"

Constant Renewel

The New Year. New beginnings spur contemplation of change for some people. In reality isn't each moment new. Isn't each breath we take a new beginning. Aren't we forever getting another chance. Aren't we continuously getting another opportunity for a renewal, a renewal of compassion, empathy, concern, another moment to give, to love, to laugh, to rise up. Dont' we have endless avenues for solitary moments to just be still and be thankful. The years end is a beginning of another calendar year, but the most important marker for time is how you are handling all the new beginnings you have available to you through each beat of your heart.

For the Love of Fudge

 I recently visited a small town in the North Georgia mountains.
I sat on a bench in front of a Fudge Shop that seemed to be the happening place at the town square.
These two fellas came out of the fudge shop and sat at the little table with their carefully chosen confectioneries.
One had a box of divinity fudge and the other had a variety of tasty treats he received after pointing in the glass counter with directions of "Ill take one of those and two of those and some of each one in the back row".
Well they began to indulge and make exclamatory sounds to express their extreme pleasure in the fudgy delights. MMMMM.....MMMMM...MMM!! ....Man! that's good!..... Boy oh Boy! and putting so much declaration into "Dog Gone!!!" I think his rump actually came up from the chair a fraction of an inch. This went on and on until one declared he may fall out in a sugar coma. At which the other one said.."taste this pecan right here" waving the pecan at his buddy.... at which the sugar charged man said no, no, no I cant take another bite. A few more waves of the pecan and it was received by the resisting friend and was so good that I believe i saw his eyes roll back in his head.
After stretching the limits of "enough" to the maximum the divinity box was closed with great reverence for the white pecan topped dollops that were left for another time and the mix matched confections of his pecan waving cohort were sealed and declared a done deal.
They continued their friendly fudgy talk about motor cycles and how their grand children's brains were being fried with computer games when suddenly the divinity partner said in a tone like he had just thought of the most brilliant idea he had in days, "Coffee! I have to have some coffee! "and up they both jumped and headed out for another bout of pleasure.
These two men had simultaneously experienced true fudge meditation that can only be shared with a real companion. They loved each others conversation and company. In this world of stress and hurry and more troubles than we ask for, it was a shear pleasure to watch theses two friends taking a moment for the real important things in life. The importance of plain ol' "taking time", of slowing down, savoring something, whether its a fudge moment or the smile on the face of someone near and dear to you. Or simply enjoying watching the camaraderie of two friends who were in the moment and loving it.

photo by COHolley

 

Life is about change..and about this big circle of coming and going, of grasp and release, of sadness and of joy. Its not the things in life that determine our journey but how we think of the circumstances, the choice we make to be dragged through life or to follow where it  leads with more acceptance than resistance.

In Her Garden

 

They said your journey will not be easy.
It will require much from you,
and then it will require some more.
With assurance she walked to her garden and opened the garden door.
She slowly walked the path
that she had walked many times before...
the path where she had scattered seeds
along the garden floor....
seeds of caring and seeds of kindness. and
many seeds of love, she saw family like roses,
friends like violets and faith from God above.
They whispered in voices soft like gardenia "
"let me carry you for a while" and she  knew that the journey was not hers alone in the garden where love did abide.

Oct 1, 2012

Stay focused. If you want to be healthier stay focused on healthy choices, if you want to stop worring stay focused on the good stuff, if you want more love stay focused on receiving, if you want peace stay focused on your inner calm....stay focused. Your soul knows what to do, its your mind you have to watch out for.

The Lure of the Lights

It was a cold holiday evening. I pulled into a small Louisiana bar on my way home. The bar was a shack of a place perched content on the rivers edge. The boating docks were silent now from the summers activities with only the cold river water caressing the sun bleached boards.
It wasn't my nature to go into a bar and I had never ventured in alone.The warm glow of the Christmas lights haphazardly draped over the entrance seemed inviting, like an old friend.
When I opened the door the music from the band poured out into the cold air and enveloped me as I entered. I noticed a few people sitting at the bar and several couples sitting at scattered tables.
There was a kerosene heater sitting near the unused dance floor, competing against the chill coming from the many doors leading out to the decks and the docks.
I quickly decided I would say I was waiting for someone should anyone approach me, but as quickly as my alibi appeared it vanished. Who would inquire. It had been a long time since anyone noticed me , a long time since I had turned any heads. My beauty had faded with too many regrets, and my body was heavy with retreat.
I pulled my coat together and wrapped my arms around myself with the false pretense that it would make me less conspicuous.
I sat a comfortable distance from two old women who appeared motionless until they took a deep slow drag off their cigarette or raised their bourbon to their lips. They were staring off in different directions and looked very familiar to the stuffed toad mounted on the wall over their heads.
I leaned into the wobbly table and turned my attention to the band to keep from making eye contact with anyone, only glancing quickly around the room in short intervals.
The girl behind the bar was closely keeping watch on the level of beer in every bottle as they were turned up and sat back down. She was quick to replace each empty with a full cold one, like little amber soldiers scattered down the length of the bar. Her hair was over bleached and her laughter was overly loud.
A waitress noticed me and started walking my way she had on tight jeans and huge thighs that it made look as if it was difficult for her to walk. Her heavy musk perfume reached me before she was close enough to speak. She stopped in front of the table and propped all her weight on one hip and asked "what can I bring you honey?" I ordered a cajun eggnog that was commonly served this time of year. By the time the waitress had trudged her way back to my table with my drink several groups of people had filtered in and filled what was left of the remaining tables.
That was about the time I noticed him. The man sitting at the bar.
He was turned so he could prop his arm on the bar and rest some of the weight he was carrying around his waist. Weight that was making the buttons on his shirt appear to be desperate for release. His face seemed tired. His eyes drooped like a sad faced bull dog. I tried to imagine him with a younger face, with strong shoulders that were ready for any defense. His shoes were shined, his clothes were pressed and his hair was carefully combed.
I imagined him getting dressed in the morning as his wife sat on the bed watching him and I imagined her thinking of him now wondering if he would make it home safe after another night out. But then again maybe there was no one at home, no one who cared about his safe return. Maybe it had been years since he had been in a bar and he found himself pulled in by the warm lights like myself.
My thoughts were suddenly broken by a voice at my shoulder, a tall thin man who smelled like beer. He had stringy hair falling out from under a ball cap and sheet rock mud on his jeans and shoes. He grinned a toothless grin and asked if id like to dance. I said " no thank you I'm waiting on someone."
The eggnog was making me feel warm inside and a lot more relaxed. The band was playing a slow flowing song. I thought of how nice it would be to move slowly to the music with someone that I enjoyed being close to.
I saw the man at the bar gazing past me and I slowly turned my head to see what had his attention.
It was a painfully thin woman with large red hair, too much jewelry, and a satin blouse that exposed her boney chest where cleavage should have been.
He heaved his weight down from the bar stool and stood for a few seconds as if to balance himself from sitting too long or to gauge the effects from the booze.
He approached the large haired woman and eased his arm half way around her boney shoulders as if to escort her from her chair if she would agree to dance, With a quick rejection he slowly walked back to the bar and resumed his position. propped up and weary.
I wondered when the last time was that he laughed a good hardy laugh. I wondered if he had experienced many trials in life or had life been mundane,  uneventful. Did every day seem the same and every years seem like the year before. Did he have a gentle spirit or was he quick to anger. Did he enjoy the food that had become a burden to his bones or did he shove each mouthful down like memories he was trying to forget.
The band announced they were taking a break and each musician stepped quickly away from their positions and headed for the bar like bugs drawn to a light.
The juke box came to life as if it were being aroused from a deep sleep.
My glass had long been empty, the kerosene heater had lost the battle with the increasing cold and I was without conversation or dancing to keep me warm so I gathered myself up and headed for the door.
No one missed my presence except the large thighed waitress and possibly the beer breath construction worker.
I settled into the comfort of my car. I turned the defroster on and waited for the warmth to take effect on the groaning engine.
The bar room door swung open and spilled light out on my windshield making the ice crystals sparkled like diamond dust. The heat had melted away two circles on the windshield. As I looked through them I saw the man from the bar walking to his car.
I felt something in my heart. Was it sympathy, was it more curiosity, or was it just the glow from the christmas lights that encouraged me to contemplate someone else's well being. Regardless of what it was,  I watched him walk into the darkness and a soft "Merry Christmas" escaped my lips and drifted off in a smokey winter misty breath.

I drove home slow and easy through the stillness of that cold winter night , sure that I would never return. The familiar glow from the holiday lights had pulled me in but my desire was not for anything that the shack of a bar could offer me , what I needed , what I wanted, was something I had lost a long time ago. Something that felt like home.